I just have these unsettling feelings sometimes, and sometimes I wonder how people can be so certain of something so completely beyond any of our understandings.
And sometimes I wonder how to take in the consolation.
I feel like it is is always an easy resort, an immediate comfort, when someone passes away, to say that they're in a better place. And I don't say this to question or doubt God's indescribable might.
But, sometimes, I feel like people are deceived. Because in all truth, where is the line drawn between fact and hope?
When our friend Will passed away, I became infuriated when someone would say "Well, God has already determined his destination." When everyone who was listening knew that the person was sugarcoating his actual thought..."I really think this kid went to hell."
What am I supposed to think now? As I sat at the funeral and I listened to his former youth pastor speak....at times I felt like the youth pastor was forcing himself to believe himself when he said "I know he's in a better place."
Why have I continually been walking around with the unsettling feeling?
I visited Will's grave today, to see the new addition.
It had been cloudy all day. I drove my car over to see it right after I got off of work. I parked. And made my way to him.
As I stood over the addition of his grave, I began to read it and observe the pictures that captured him.
And suddenly, as my eyes continued to race across the display, I noticed faded streaks of color that swept across the deep grey.
I fixed my eyes on the colors, only to realize that a rainbow reflected perfectly over his name.
I looked up in the sky and couldn't find the rainbow, when I looked back down, the reflection was still there.
I glanced up one more time to look thoroughly, and sure enough. A glimpse of the arch of a rainbow was visible.
I looked back down and laughed and all I could think about was God's promise.
He never leaves us.
And while I continued to stare at the streak of color on the deep grey, I thought, that perhaps this was the consolation I had been searching for.
Taking a deep breath, I laid down to close my eyes toward the sky and to fill my lungs with all the things I couldn't comprehend, and to simultaneously feel the joy in the greatness of God.
However, only continuing to take in small doses of the consolation.
Because, sometimes, that's all I can ever do.
And while God is sufficient. My own two feet make me stumble.
Perhaps that was it. Perhaps the faded color over the grey pallet was a further restoration.