Sunday, November 8, 2009

This years love.

One thing I keep realizing is how much love I have for those I know, for those I will meet, and for those I will never know.

Perhaps this is an act of some unconditional love God provides us with. In fact, yes, I believe it is.

I've spent the last week in a half continually seeing how much I'm going to miss people. I didn't even realize I cried so much. Something just breaks me, but in a good way. When I look around at all the friendships I've grabbed ahold of all of these years, something tells me I will never let go of them. I guess you could say I take the term "friends forever" literally. Friendships are special and I'm beginning to realize how incrediblely thankful I am for the fact that we all got to watch each other grow up.

I really like that a small town can provide us with that.

I can not even express how excited I am to move forward and take part in new adventures.
There is just so much more to life than the walls of one town. There is the world.

I think I've struggled so much with the act of applying myself. Not that I never did. But I never really did. There was always a point where I would stop in fear of failing. But I'm beginning to grab ahold of the fact that I was made for this.

To just go and love people endlessly.

I can not wait.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

let your love grow tall.

As I held the camera in my hands, I lightly pushed the button to focus the image. I glanced over my camera only to appreciate that what was being captured was more than a picture itself. Realizing that this joy-filled child could literally be bursting with the same glow in my photograph, my admiration grew for him as the shutter of my camera took the picture. As he ran around me latching onto my neck, he pleaded to look at the image. While we reviewed the image together, I looked over at him only to see the glow on his face. My eyes dropped back down to look at the photograph. He then looked at me and shouted "un mas photo, un mas photo! Por Favor!" I bursted with laughter as I began to grasp this unconditional love I had for this child, and this new driven desire to capture life through a photograph.
After finding that photography clutches so tightly around my heart, I have come to understand that I have the ability to capture something extraordinary, something much deeper than the photograph. Whether it is a laugh, a smile, a tear, a love, or a hug. It's a story. I have come to enjoy simplicity in its works; a picture can be worth one word or a thousand words. Photography has such a tight grip partly because I won't let go. The images that I capture are a piece of me as much as they are of that person. They're as much of their story as they are my story. I feel like it's almost a way to remain connected, giving someone a part of your love since ultimately they just gave you a piece of theirs in your photograph. I don't know what it is. I just love photography and I love people. I guess I just feel like I can combine the two in a different way. In a way, I am just passing on the love and photography provides me with a foundation. I am not aware whether or not photography is my first love, but it's the first time where I feel like I can truly capture something beautiful. True love, I suppose.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

run with it.

today i realized how much i love being spontaneous. i'm buying a ticket for india on wednesday. spending thanksgiving in new delhi with my sisters.

do you ever notice how incredibly strange things are falling into place for you? that's currently happening to me, and i'm so scared that what i'm running towards will be taken out from under my feet.

i like that i don't keep it consistant. my plans are constantly changing only so that my finger tips can clutch onto the one that pulls the strings of my heart.

i went from graduating early not know what i might do and quickly swooping in an booking my spring semester for india, then i jumped to africa knowing i was supposed to be doing something bigger than myself, then i just waited. And realized that i can not picture my spring semester any different. I have to be a roadie. I almost feel like it's my responsibility. I owe it to those kids to be their voice. That's where God needs me my spring semester. I just know it.

I'm almost scared as to how strange my semester is working out for me. still doing india. but not in the spring. where on earth will I be my spring semester?

I wonder if it's possible to love people too much. I just love you guys.

You're beautiful.

Each and every single person in this world has something they're good at. They have potential.

and I just love capturing that.

I love finding that.

I love helping people see that.

I think it's something special when someone can finally become content with the heart that God gave them.

I swear, it's the best feeling you can possibly have.

Embrace it. Run with it.

kinsley. i love how beautiful you look and sound when you sit down and play the piano. i love it when you get frustrated. i love it when i organize your clothes for camp. i love listening to you tell stories. i love hearing about your passions and how big your heart is. i love laying on your bed in silence or in laughter. i love staying up late and just talking. i love the pictures you capture. i love incredibly large arches. :) i love that we're the only ones that know what bobfe means...since the 7th grade. i just love how creative you are, and i wonder if you realize it. i love the way you write. you may rant. but it's perfect. it's you. it's real. it's writing. i love it when i can make you laugh. and i just love how lasting our relationship is, no matter what i know you love me.

brooke. i love it more than anything when you laugh really hard. i love it when you almost pee your pants from laughing. i love listening to you try and figure out what it is you want to do or where you need to be. i love watching you piece together something in your heart. i love how many times we dye your hair. i love how insecure you can be, because i'm always happy to be able to see how incredibly beautiful you are as a person. i just love it when you get excited about something and you just pursue it. i love it when we talk in our voice and you call me bill. i love how excited you get when i tell you about the adventures i'm pursuing.

alyssa. i love how ridiculously good you look with short hair. i love how incredibly talented you are at art. i love the way you decorate your room and i love walking in a trying my hardest to find something new. i love coming over to do homework really late but just staying up so late talking. i love watching the sunrise with you. i love looking at the stars with you and taking in God's infinite goodness. i love how brilliant you are. i love how devoted we are at looking at the stars even when we're shaking from how cold it is. i love the way you go crazy and just dance like no one is watching. i love doing opera singing commentary with you. i just love how sincere you are.

lyndsey. i love how lame we used to be and how we always pretended we were ninjas. i love it when i rediscover how incredibly intelligent you are and how good you are at listening. i love listening to you talk when you're incredibly happy or when i can just see your heart bursting with passion. i love getting you bracelets because the ones i find you mean so much to me, i just feel like they can capture you perfectly. i love the fact that still to this day you can not sit still or you're always shredding something. i just love it. I love listening to you humb along to a song even though sometimes you're off beat. i love it.

Laura. i love how happy you are. i love your smile. i love your laugh. i love how beautiful you are inside and out. i love always finding you online on facebook and how awkward our conversations used to be. i love that everytime i talk to you online you're basically illegally watching movies. i love how passionate you are about reaching out to others. i love the voice you use when you say "hey bails." i love it when it's late and you still have so much homework to do, but you got it all under control, it's a no worries. i just love it when we walk down town and talk. i love listening to you and seeing you glow.

Nick. i love how crazy you are. i love how passionate you are about things and i love it when you share with me what God is putting on your heart. i love that you're the only person i know that knows every song that ever existed. i love how caring you can be and how proud you can be of someone. i love how good you are at dancing haha. i love how good you are at doing tricks off the swing. i love it when you do your crazy loud laugh. i just love how funny you are.

Brianna. i love you. i love how beautiful you are. i love how much we love mariokart on the wii. i love how good you are at it too. i love your laugh. i love how intelligent you are. i love it when we just lay in your bed and just talk. i love it when you and kinsley go crazy and won't let me talk when we're all in your room. i love how much you love moulin rouge. i love how happy you can get. i love being able to see how wonderful you truly are. i love the nicknames i have for you. i love it when addie and i are at your house with everyone and how insanely loud we are. i love how much of a genuine person you are. i just love being able to be someone who listens to you.

Rachel. i love how hilarious you are. i love how talented you are at things. i love how gorgeous you are. i love wathcing friends with you. i love how insanely good you are at drawing. i love how late we always stayed up. i love it when i can capture the sincerity in you. i love it when we lay in your hammock really really late at night. i love how great of a person you are and sometimes i wonder if you see who i see. i love how smart you are and i love it when you laugh. i just love it when i can see you going for what you want.

Tyler. i love it when you have long hair. i love it when we dress up like it's the 80s. i love how sincere you are. i love how funny you are. i love how passionate you are about things. i love how incredible you are when it comes to art. i love how much friendships mean to you. i love playing halo with you. so much. i love it when you laugh. i love how meaningful things are to you. i love how outgoing you are and i love how loud you are. i love how crazy you can be. i just love more than anything how great of a guy you are.

Hannah. i love your laugh more than anything. i love how strong of a person you are. i love your passions. i love how insanely good you are at volleyball. i love singing chicago's saturday in the park with you. i love dancing and singing to ain't no mountain high enough with you after every home volleyball game. i love how much of a leader you are. i love it when your nostrils go crazy when you laugh. i love how incredible you are as a person. i love how funny your are. i love how happy you can be. i love how good you are at listening and how good you are at talking. i just love how much fun we have together and when we sing im yours at the top of our lungs.

Kelsey. i love how bubbly you are. i love how beautiful your eyes are. i love it when you laugh. i love it when i can make you laugh. i love being a person who listens to you. i love it when you share things with me. i love how happy you always are. i love that i can see someone that is so beautiful inside and out. i love sitting inside cafe with you and gradually seeing that you know you're worth it and how deeply loved you are. i love that you can trust me with things. i love it when we can't stop laughing at practice. i just love it when we start laughing during games more than anything.

Paul. i love how great of a friend you can be. i love coming over and just listening to you talk. i love hearing about your dreams. i love it when you're excited. i love how much you've gone through to get where you are now. i love the voices that you can do. i love going rock climbing with you. i love that you're dyslexic. i love how much you can make me laugh. i love how caring you can be. i love being able to see how great of a person you're becoming. i love that you're enjoying everything again. i just love that you're going to do what you want and just go for it.

sometimes i feel like i should write myself a book. write down all of my friends and the reasons why i love them.

so i'll never forget.

I love capturing that.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

you've got growing up to do.

I was just apart of history. Myself and 1,999 other people.

As I arrive back home I realize one thing and it is the reason why I need to leave. The reason why my heart sinks right after it is literally shouting with love and crying with happiness. My fire is just continually put out and I can no longer bear to be surrounded by the people who do that to me.

As I'm standing in the midst of thousands of people, I realize that the moment we are sharing is beyond all of us, that each of us share this burning passion that fuels our desire, and that we are literally being the change we wish to see in the world..every single one of us.
And most of all, I realize that I shouldn't have let my mouth slip a yes to going to India when my heart shouted Africa.

I almost feel unnecesarry, just completely not needed. And as I cringe at the thought of allowing my heart to slip into something worthless, I feel the tug getting tighter and tighter.

You just did something unbelievable and as you open the door, no one congratulates you, but only fills your heart with doubt.

You just went to hours of meetings and looked people straight in the eyes and could feel the sincerity and a person who doesn't even give a shit about purpose, equality, or love tells you they must have been lying.

Sometimes I have fought so hard and I'm standing on this hill of contentment and I love myself, finally. And I truly believe in myself, my passions, my heart, and my ability. And I get a glimpse of what I'm running towards.
And then the tiniest push from them makes me believe I'm not the one in the photograph.
That couldn't be me.

But it is.

And my passions and my words turn into actions because I'm fighting for purpose.

But, somehow, their push triumphs all that I've accomplished.

and all I can feel is defeated.

Sometimes I forget that I'm the one in the photograph and that I have something that is nonexistent to them.

and that is the ability to jump first.

Sunday, May 10, 2009


I used to be good at this, now it has only become letters scrambled into words through breaths of desperation.

I need to get away, I need to get far away.

From you.
From everyone.

It's not that I don't care, I just can't love you right now.
None of you.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009


I have the opportunity to rest my eyes, but I once again, will not take advantage of this glorious moment.

I've just discovered something about myself. Sadly, you do not know my entire heart. Even more sadly, no one does.

I had memories flud my mind, and I've realized this is why I am the way I am.

I am just so damn tired.

I don't even know with what anymore. It's all molded into one.

When you're with those people you're always around, all you can do is set it aside, oddly enough. In those moments, you're okay. But, it is strange, as you're surrounded by those who only share a glimpse of your heart, you realize everything is not okay.

You're truly broken and nothing can be hidden. The person they knew washed away.