Monday, February 8, 2010


"Laying down your life means making your own faith and doubt, hope and despair, joy and sadness, courage and fear available to others as ways of getting in touch with the Lord of life."- Henri Nouwen

This is my heart's rhythm; it's the beat of my heart's drum.
I've come to realize that I'm not a typical person my age. I don't know what it is about me. I just have this need to embrace this adventure of mine-life. To not sit still because there's so much more to this place that we just don't know about and so much more we can do to make it a better place.

After much contemplation...or the bare minimum-one of the two, I've grabbed a hold of a piece of what kind of person I am. And this is the only way I can make sense of it.
I just have this God given love, this desire to love people as much as I possibly can, doing as much as I can for them. I just don't let up and I keep going and going and going, until I discover that I'm shutting down from exhaustion and I can no longer love the people that I love so deeply. While taking a step back and looking at this problem I run into so often, I've come to the acknowledgement that I need to learn to love people without getting tired. I need to learn and understand that while God calls us to love each other, he also calls us to love ourselves. I just forget to pursue myself sometimes. Or all the time. I forget to assist myself along the way. I forget to make sure I'm healthy before I pass on the love. It's something to work at, cause I hate running out of fuel.

Somtimes it makes my heart ache when people worry about me. Whether it's from what on earth is going on inside of her head, or what on earth does she think she's doing?
I think I have a weird system of going about things/ I have this strange ability to not worry and just jump first. Pros and cons though of course when it comes to being an insane optimist that loves every single person they meet.

I hope to postpone starting college in the fall. There is just so much more to life and learning that a text book can't offer. And I want to dive right in for a while and take a swim. I'm pretty set on the idea and fact that I know I can get an education and there are kids that can't, and I'm willing to put my own life on hold in pursuit of that. Not forever, I know and understand that my education is crucial to be even more equipped to assist people. Educating myself for others has become my inspiration for college..whenever that happens. But, man, does human rights and international justice have a hold of my heart strings.

I kind of just grasped the fact that I'm young...really young. And sometimes I have this insane need to do everything, as much as I possibly can and I forget that I'm 18 and trying to take strides into changing the world as my life. Which it is. But, I forget that I'll continue to grow up. Continue to learn, grasp, challenge, strengthen, and grow along the way. Sometimes, I just forget. But, at the same time. I'm just not afraid to go for it and be an inspiration. Age doesn't mean anything to me and I love grabbing onto my potential and running with it for things that really matter to me and others.

I am content with the heart that God gave me and I love it. And I know that I am something special. I am so special. We all are. And I hope and pray people can begin to grasp this fact about themselves. That they too are so incredibly special.

But, this is the way I live my life. This is why. I embrace this about myself. I embrace the need to lay down my life. I embrace this vulnerability of mine. To put down my own fears in hopes of benefiting others.

There is absolutely no love without vulnerability.

You have to learn how to accept and give love. You have to discover what it is for you to lay down your life for others. You have to clutch onto this vulnerability and let your love grow tall.

However, I feel like this clutching onto is a life process. There's always room to dig deeper.

To learn more.

And I've only reached as far as my finger tips can stretch. But, that's just the surface.

Laying down your life is the search and pursuit.

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