namaste.

"Laying down your life means making your own faith and doubt, hope and despair, joy and sadness, courage and fear available to others as ways of getting in touch with the Lord of life."- Henri Nouwen

This is my heart's rhythm; it's the beat of my heart's drum.
I've come to realize that I'm not a typical person my age. I don't know what it is about me. I just have this need to embrace this adventure of mine-life. To not sit still because there's so much more to this place that we just don't know about and so much more we can do to make it a better place.

After much contemplation...or the bare minimum-one of the two, I've grabbed a hold of a piece of what kind of person I am. And this is the only way I can make sense of it.
I just have this God given love, this desire to love people as much as I possibly can, doing as much as I can for them. I just don't let up and I keep going and going and going, until I discover that I'm shutting down from exhaustion and I can no longer love the people that I love so deeply. While taking a step back and looking at this problem I run into so often, I've come to the acknowledgement that I need to learn to love people without getting tired. I need to learn and understand that while God calls us to love each other, he also calls us to love ourselves. I just forget to pursue myself sometimes. Or all the time. I forget to assist myself along the way. I forget to make sure I'm healthy before I pass on the love. It's something to work at, cause I hate running out of fuel.

Somtimes it makes my heart ache when people worry about me. Whether it's from what on earth is going on inside of her head, or what on earth does she think she's doing?
I think I have a weird system of going about things/ I have this strange ability to not worry and just jump first. Pros and cons though of course when it comes to being an insane optimist that loves every single person they meet.

I hope to postpone starting college in the fall. There is just so much more to life and learning that a text book can't offer. And I want to dive right in for a while and take a swim. I'm pretty set on the idea and fact that I know I can get an education and there are kids that can't, and I'm willing to put my own life on hold in pursuit of that. Not forever, I know and understand that my education is crucial to be even more equipped to assist people. Educating myself for others has become my inspiration for college..whenever that happens. But, man, does human rights and international justice have a hold of my heart strings.

I kind of just grasped the fact that I'm young...really young. And sometimes I have this insane need to do everything, as much as I possibly can and I forget that I'm 18 and trying to take strides into changing the world as my life. Which it is. But, I forget that I'll continue to grow up. Continue to learn, grasp, challenge, strengthen, and grow along the way. Sometimes, I just forget. But, at the same time. I'm just not afraid to go for it and be an inspiration. Age doesn't mean anything to me and I love grabbing onto my potential and running with it for things that really matter to me and others.

I am content with the heart that God gave me and I love it. And I know that I am something special. I am so special. We all are. And I hope and pray people can begin to grasp this fact about themselves. That they too are so incredibly special.

But, this is the way I live my life. This is why. I embrace this about myself. I embrace the need to lay down my life. I embrace this vulnerability of mine. To put down my own fears in hopes of benefiting others.

There is absolutely no love without vulnerability.

You have to learn how to accept and give love. You have to discover what it is for you to lay down your life for others. You have to clutch onto this vulnerability and let your love grow tall.

However, I feel like this clutching onto is a life process. There's always room to dig deeper.

To learn more.

And I've only reached as far as my finger tips can stretch. But, that's just the surface.

Laying down your life is the search and pursuit.

flip it and fix it.

I feel like I've lost the ability to write, but, I'm sure you know how that goes.

I'm not sure where I'm heading. I just paused my life as I had to take myself out of a study abroad in East Africa. What am I doing? I'm just tired. I've come to realize that I love those kids so much that I need to be healthy before I just pack up and go.
While initially I thought this to be selfish of myself, I can no longer bear any more exhaustion as I am slipping mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

I think a break is a good idea. You can only put yourself behind others for so long, you have to do something for yourself once in a while.

So. I suppose here's to accepting the fact that I need some support and some help. Here's to the beginning of the unpacking process of my mind.

It'll be good.
It'll be a bitch.
I just want to feel like I'm living presently again.

My mind needs a chance to catch up to my body. I just need to stand still for a little bit.

That's all.

This years love.

One thing I keep realizing is how much love I have for those I know, for those I will meet, and for those I will never know.

Perhaps this is an act of some unconditional love God provides us with. In fact, yes, I believe it is.

I've spent the last week in a half continually seeing how much I'm going to miss people. I didn't even realize I cried so much. Something just breaks me, but in a good way. When I look around at all the friendships I've grabbed ahold of all of these years, something tells me I will never let go of them. I guess you could say I take the term "friends forever" literally. Friendships are special and I'm beginning to realize how incrediblely thankful I am for the fact that we all got to watch each other grow up.

I really like that a small town can provide us with that.

I can not even express how excited I am to move forward and take part in new adventures.
There is just so much more to life than the walls of one town. There is the world.

I think I've struggled so much with the act of applying myself. Not that I never did. But I never really did. There was always a point where I would stop in fear of failing. But I'm beginning to grab ahold of the fact that I was made for this.

To just go and love people endlessly.

I can not wait.

let your love grow tall.

As I held the camera in my hands, I lightly pushed the button to focus the image. I glanced over my camera only to appreciate that what was being captured was more than a picture itself. Realizing that this joy-filled child could literally be bursting with the same glow in my photograph, my admiration grew for him as the shutter of my camera took the picture. As he ran around me latching onto my neck, he pleaded to look at the image. While we reviewed the image together, I looked over at him only to see the glow on his face. My eyes dropped back down to look at the photograph. He then looked at me and shouted "un mas photo, un mas photo! Por Favor!" I bursted with laughter as I began to grasp this unconditional love I had for this child, and this new driven desire to capture life through a photograph.
After finding that photography clutches so tightly around my heart, I have come to understand that I have the ability to capture something extraordinary, something much deeper than the photograph. Whether it is a laugh, a smile, a tear, a love, or a hug. It's a story. I have come to enjoy simplicity in its works; a picture can be worth one word or a thousand words. Photography has such a tight grip partly because I won't let go. The images that I capture are a piece of me as much as they are of that person. They're as much of their story as they are my story. I feel like it's almost a way to remain connected, giving someone a part of your love since ultimately they just gave you a piece of theirs in your photograph. I don't know what it is. I just love photography and I love people. I guess I just feel like I can combine the two in a different way. In a way, I am just passing on the love and photography provides me with a foundation. I am not aware whether or not photography is my first love, but it's the first time where I feel like I can truly capture something beautiful. True love, I suppose.

run with it.

today i realized how much i love being spontaneous. i'm buying a ticket for india on wednesday. spending thanksgiving in new delhi with my sisters.



do you ever notice how incredibly strange things are falling into place for you? that's currently happening to me, and i'm so scared that what i'm running towards will be taken out from under my feet.



i like that i don't keep it consistant. my plans are constantly changing only so that my finger tips can clutch onto the one that pulls the strings of my heart.



i went from graduating early not know what i might do and quickly swooping in an booking my spring semester for india, then i jumped to africa knowing i was supposed to be doing something bigger than myself, then i just waited. And realized that i can not picture my spring semester any different. I have to be a roadie. I almost feel like it's my responsibility. I owe it to those kids to be their voice. That's where God needs me my spring semester. I just know it.



I'm almost scared as to how strange my semester is working out for me. still doing india. but not in the spring. where on earth will I be my spring semester?



I wonder if it's possible to love people too much. I just love you guys.

You're beautiful.

Each and every single person in this world has something they're good at. They have potential.

and I just love capturing that.

I love finding that.

I love helping people see that.



I think it's something special when someone can finally become content with the heart that God gave them.



I swear, it's the best feeling you can possibly have.



Embrace it. Run with it.



kinsley. i love how beautiful you look and sound when you sit down and play the piano. i love it when you get frustrated. i love it when i organize your clothes for camp. i love listening to you tell stories. i love hearing about your passions and how big your heart is. i love laying on your bed in silence or in laughter. i love staying up late and just talking. i love the pictures you capture. i love incredibly large arches. :) i love that we're the only ones that know what bobfe means...since the 7th grade. i just love how creative you are, and i wonder if you realize it. i love the way you write. you may rant. but it's perfect. it's you. it's real. it's writing. i love it when i can make you laugh. and i just love how lasting our relationship is, no matter what i know you love me.



brooke. i love it more than anything when you laugh really hard. i love it when you almost pee your pants from laughing. i love listening to you try and figure out what it is you want to do or where you need to be. i love watching you piece together something in your heart. i love how many times we dye your hair. i love how insecure you can be, because i'm always happy to be able to see how incredibly beautiful you are as a person. i just love it when you get excited about something and you just pursue it. i love it when we talk in our voice and you call me bill. i love how excited you get when i tell you about the adventures i'm pursuing.



alyssa. i love how ridiculously good you look with short hair. i love how incredibly talented you are at art. i love the way you decorate your room and i love walking in a trying my hardest to find something new. i love coming over to do homework really late but just staying up so late talking. i love watching the sunrise with you. i love looking at the stars with you and taking in God's infinite goodness. i love how brilliant you are. i love how devoted we are at looking at the stars even when we're shaking from how cold it is. i love the way you go crazy and just dance like no one is watching. i love doing opera singing commentary with you. i just love how sincere you are.



lyndsey. i love how lame we used to be and how we always pretended we were ninjas. i love it when i rediscover how incredibly intelligent you are and how good you are at listening. i love listening to you talk when you're incredibly happy or when i can just see your heart bursting with passion. i love getting you bracelets because the ones i find you mean so much to me, i just feel like they can capture you perfectly. i love the fact that still to this day you can not sit still or you're always shredding something. i just love it. I love listening to you humb along to a song even though sometimes you're off beat. i love it.



Laura. i love how happy you are. i love your smile. i love your laugh. i love how beautiful you are inside and out. i love always finding you online on facebook and how awkward our conversations used to be. i love that everytime i talk to you online you're basically illegally watching movies. i love how passionate you are about reaching out to others. i love the voice you use when you say "hey bails." i love it when it's late and you still have so much homework to do, but you got it all under control, it's a no worries. i just love it when we walk down town and talk. i love listening to you and seeing you glow.



Nick. i love how crazy you are. i love how passionate you are about things and i love it when you share with me what God is putting on your heart. i love that you're the only person i know that knows every song that ever existed. i love how caring you can be and how proud you can be of someone. i love how good you are at dancing haha. i love how good you are at doing tricks off the swing. i love it when you do your crazy loud laugh. i just love how funny you are.



Brianna. i love you. i love how beautiful you are. i love how much we love mariokart on the wii. i love how good you are at it too. i love your laugh. i love how intelligent you are. i love it when we just lay in your bed and just talk. i love it when you and kinsley go crazy and won't let me talk when we're all in your room. i love how much you love moulin rouge. i love how happy you can get. i love being able to see how wonderful you truly are. i love the nicknames i have for you. i love it when addie and i are at your house with everyone and how insanely loud we are. i love how much of a genuine person you are. i just love being able to be someone who listens to you.



Rachel. i love how hilarious you are. i love how talented you are at things. i love how gorgeous you are. i love wathcing friends with you. i love how insanely good you are at drawing. i love how late we always stayed up. i love it when i can capture the sincerity in you. i love it when we lay in your hammock really really late at night. i love how great of a person you are and sometimes i wonder if you see who i see. i love how smart you are and i love it when you laugh. i just love it when i can see you going for what you want.



Tyler. i love it when you have long hair. i love it when we dress up like it's the 80s. i love how sincere you are. i love how funny you are. i love how passionate you are about things. i love how incredible you are when it comes to art. i love how much friendships mean to you. i love playing halo with you. so much. i love it when you laugh. i love how meaningful things are to you. i love how outgoing you are and i love how loud you are. i love how crazy you can be. i just love more than anything how great of a guy you are.



Hannah. i love your laugh more than anything. i love how strong of a person you are. i love your passions. i love how insanely good you are at volleyball. i love singing chicago's saturday in the park with you. i love dancing and singing to ain't no mountain high enough with you after every home volleyball game. i love how much of a leader you are. i love it when your nostrils go crazy when you laugh. i love how incredible you are as a person. i love how funny your are. i love how happy you can be. i love how good you are at listening and how good you are at talking. i just love how much fun we have together and when we sing im yours at the top of our lungs.



Kelsey. i love how bubbly you are. i love how beautiful your eyes are. i love it when you laugh. i love it when i can make you laugh. i love being a person who listens to you. i love it when you share things with me. i love how happy you always are. i love that i can see someone that is so beautiful inside and out. i love sitting inside cafe with you and gradually seeing that you know you're worth it and how deeply loved you are. i love that you can trust me with things. i love it when we can't stop laughing at practice. i just love it when we start laughing during games more than anything.



Paul. i love how great of a friend you can be. i love coming over and just listening to you talk. i love hearing about your dreams. i love it when you're excited. i love how much you've gone through to get where you are now. i love the voices that you can do. i love going rock climbing with you. i love that you're dyslexic. i love how much you can make me laugh. i love how caring you can be. i love being able to see how great of a person you're becoming. i love that you're enjoying everything again. i just love that you're going to do what you want and just go for it.





sometimes i feel like i should write myself a book. write down all of my friends and the reasons why i love them.

so i'll never forget.





I love capturing that.